336-word post or “Peanut Butter Saturday”

To his surprise, Minge Barnesworth found a jar of peanut butter on his doorstep along with a copy of the Saturday edition of the Toronto Star.

He looked up and down the street, curious as to whether he would see who had dropped this off, but of course, he realized, that was ridiculous. Who knew how long both things had been sitting there?

He picked them up and brought them into the kitchen. And there, on the counter was a butter knife and a pair of reading glasses.

“Now this is getting weird,” he thought.  He didn’t own a pair of reading glasses, because his vision was near perfect. He also didn’t own any butter knives because of a court order.

He looked up and down the hallway to see who might have placed these items on the counter, but of course, he realized, that was ridiculous. The only person it could have been was himself, because he lived alone, unless you counted the fifteen Coolio clones he had as his roommates.

“Hey, Coolios?” he yelled upstairs. Pause. “Did any of you leave this butter knife and reading glasses on the counter and also your Toronto Star came with peanut butter and you know I’m allergic to Peanuts…”

“Shut up, bitch!” came the usual reply from upstairs, multiplied fifteen times by the fifteen clones. “I’m watching Tommy Boy!”
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Minge sighed.

He opened the paper to the entertainment section, and found a huge picture of Jann Arden eating eggs along with a story explaining why her first name had a useless extra letter “n” in it.

He put on the reading glasses, and spread a huge chunk of peanut butter on the knife.  Because it was a large jar, he was able to shove his hand into the jar to use as a club fist to defend himself.

He walked towards the stairs, bumping into every piece of furniture he owned on the way.

It was time to teach at least 13 of the Coolios some manners.

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